Tips for Julia Gippenreiter working mom: hear and understand
How many working mothers communicate with the child so that she has enough of her attention? Tells psychologist Julia Gippenreiter.
Immediately make a reservation: I will not advise you to devote more time to children. We proceed from the fact that the time you can devote to a child is very limited. Therefore, it would be good to improve the quality of communication.
One of the leading needs of the child -mother's attention. However, not all the attention he needs. Sometimes it becomes painful and not very functional. I mean emotional "sticking", "stringing", which some mothers consciously or unconsciously create.
Too emotional moms take on the whole emotional side of the child's existence. So she comes home after work and starts pouring tenderness on him: “You are my good, come to me, let me hug you” - and then he cries, complains: “Mom, do not leave tomorrow” ... I do not want to say that to the child it is not necessary to show caress - it is necessary, but it is not enough.
You need to talk with the child and, most importantly, hear it. If they love him, protect him, take care of him, but do not talk with him, he is just an object of influence. Favorite object, which is fed by different things: knowledge, discipline. While he is a subject, a human person, a being equal to you, but with his needs to be tried to understand. Responding to them from his very infancy, rejecting false, artificial considerations: “not indulge”, “not to accustom to hands”, etc.
The child is growing up - and the need for a variety of impressions comes to the fore. So help him satisfy her. When a child begins to crawl and walk, do not put him in a playpen with toys - they have already disgusted him! That is why he grabs at kitchen utensils, covers from pans, TV remote control, etc. He grabs - and fine: remove all fragile, beating, sharp, dangerous, and let him live freely and know the world!
Along with the variety of impressions in the physical world, a child also needs a variety of attachments. Of course, the mother - and even the one who used to be the boss at work - wants to be the boss here too.He wants a child to have enough of her society, and all the others with whom he communicates, would perform auxiliary, household and educational functions, but did not occupy a place in his heart. This is a false installation. Do not forget the general philosophical principle: if you choose something, you refuse something, you lose something. You pay for what you choose. It is not possible to transfer all yourselves to the child, all the best that you think is in you. So, you need to soften your expectations, abandon the idea that he receives the most important attitudes only from you.
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And here the question inevitably arises about the person who spends most of his time with the child - as a rule, he is a nanny. Special agencies help pick them up, plus each mother has their own requirements. Many choose a person with a pedagogical experience (or - even proud of this - the candidate of pedagogical sciences). Not thinking that this experience has been worked out in kindergarten or at school. And these people absorbed the Soviet style of school education, the style of prohibitions and notations; they are not familiar with the approaches that have been developed in psychology lately.
I'm talking about the so-called humanistic approach.His main idea is the denial of the fundamentals of the basics: the fact that the child is the “object of education” It has always been thought that he is a kind of object that must be correctly addressed, pedagogically influenced, which must be shaped, disciplined, forced into something. Humanistic psychology overcomes this setting. Her installation: he, the child, is a living, equal person to you, and not what you want to make out of him. We do not even imagine how many talents have been ruined by the school! They are ruined by the method, the ways of learning, the attitude towards the idea itself, who is such a “student”. Installation of the school - "it must be taught." And hisvery important to listen.
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Speaking about the quality of communication, I mean a plastic attitude towards him, hearing the living needs of a child. If the school is not there, then it should be at least at home. The child is warm when they understand his needs. One of the most important is the freedom to explore the world and get impressions. The child explores his potential - and little by little raises the bar. This is natural, and the quality of a mother’s attitude includes accepting his desire to take risks.When he is small, he wants to climb a tree higher or climb into a puddle deeper, grow up — run away with friends to a neighboring yard, becoming even older — return home later than usual, try a cigarette, wine ... It depends a lot on how parents behave .Notations and bans are powerless. And in this particular situation, and in general.
Yes, you want the child to come to some conclusions that seem right to you. He will come to them if he sees before himexample.
Everything that we wish to change in children should first of all check carefully: is this not something that it would be better to change in ourselves. For example, our pedagogical enthusiasm. It is probably better to direct it to yourself.