When she does not like: why is everything to blame for my mother
Psychologist Vita Malygina tells what mother love is like and why mother is to blame for the child’s problems. The profession of psychologist will be in demand as long as the planet is inhabited by people, and not insensitive robots. And as long as we need love. While some psychologists say that you should not live for the sake of the child, others are sure that everything depends on mother's love.
The cult of children these days assumes that parental love is not only a simple concern for one's child, but also hundreds of toys and new-fangled gadgets. Sometimes it is even on hand. After all, to become a supermom, you just need to buy another toy. But is this love?
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The client now has gone wise and competent. He will come - and immediately you to the wall: “I’m ready for anything, just let's not touch my mother. I do not believe that this will help, what is the point - I do not understand at all. So let's go without mom. ”
And sometimes just like this: “I want to change everything in myself. I do not like everything: neither legs, nor eyes, nor work. Only I have already analyzed everything and understood: my mother is not to blame for anything. About her, we will not.
I say then: “Your will, but without my mother, I personally can not. Maybe someone can, but not me. Look for another specialist. Hypnosis, for example. There definitely without mom. You can still meditate. It helps some. ” Someone sighs and waves his hand, they say, to hell with you, let your mother come here. Someone says: "I will come later."
It also happens like this, for example: “I really don’t like my life. Has divorced, with the child some problems, no happiness. I want to change. But I'm afraid you ruin my relationship with my mother. They are the only thing I have. Only she understands me, we are friends with her, every day in the theater together and at the exhibitions ... "
I honestly admit: “I will spoil most likely. Nowhere to go. It will not be easy for you, especially at first. As a result, you will probably change. Maybe even feel happier. And with the child everything can get better, and love will be found. But every week with my mother in the theater and the exhibition will not work. Will you consider her best friend - I do not know either.Choose. And, by the way, many choose their mother.
So I want to talk about this again. Oh mom, why without her - nowhere, and in general why is she there. And most importantly, how does this relate to your real mother, Marya Ivanovna or Natalya Nikolaevna.
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First, I'll tell you about this, about the real mother. It doesn’t matter at all whether your mother was really the way you remember her. This is, if we talk about the therapeutic effect. It does not really matter how it happened that, for example, in all respects, a remarkable woman who is considered good, sensitive and good, has shown herself to be rejecting a critical mother, and now you consider this relationship to be truly loving.
Of course, the therapist will explain a hundred times that in therapy we are dealing with an image in your soul. With that, what mother there is etched. This image may not correspond to reality. Although, of course, talking about objective reality when it comes to people is not at all possible.
This, by the way, becomes very quickly clear if you suddenly start with a real mom to sort things out about past offenses.You told her: “Mom, do you remember how you screamed at me when I forgot to wash the dishes?” And she replied: “Yes, oh-oh-ogodi! And it was all once, and you just remembered it! ”
And who will take to determine where it is, an objective reality?
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If it is short and very simplistic, then everything is arranged as follows: how we turn out depends on our physiology, the characteristics of mental organization, the strength / weakness of the nervous system. Everyone agrees. And it all depends on the look that your mother looked at you. In psychology, this power of the mother's eye is explained with the help of a whole heap of different clever words. There is the primary object, the theory of attachment, the concept of basic security, and the image of your own self ... But ultimately it all comes down to this: your mother saw you as a beautiful, intelligent, kind, affectionate, tender, talented, strong girl, beloved and desired - this is what you get, and then you live. And people see you too.
And if your mother saw you miserable, helpless, not very pretty, unhappy or indifferent, selfish, or stupid, worthless - this is how you live up to your first therapist.Especially if the nervous system got you weak, ready for anything, just not to lose my mother's love, even if it is illusory.
Here with this - that everything depends on my mother's glance - not everyone agrees. And I insist. This becomes especially obvious when you observe how a person changes in the course of therapy. For example, a pale girl comes to you, eyes on the ground, pens, like splashes, a nose sticks out with a duck ... And you can see how she, with her mother's eyes, stood with the first two in mathematics in the third grade. But time passes, and this guilty girl disappears somewhere, an adult beautiful girl appears in fashionable glasses, with slender musical fingers. Everything, you think, more mom does not look at her.
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Nature has "embedded" the mechanism of maternal love in every woman, and in theory it should be included, as soon as the mother sees her newborn child. But sometimes this interferes with something. Some kind of breakdown in a woman’s psyche, such as her personal childhood traumas, can affect the operation of this mechanism. And then nothing automatically turns on.
Duty, duty, the conviction that children are necessary in the family is enough. But there is no love, warmth, joy, tenderness. Admitting this is not accepted, the belief that parents should love their children, imperceptibly turns into a belief that what I feel is motherly love. But in fact, instead of her - cavils, criticism, discontent, accusations (“you are all in your grandmother” or “you are like your dad”), labeling (lazy, sullen, indifferent).
A child should somehow live and develop. To accept the bad, cold, critical attitude of the dearest person for love is possible only in one case: if you love yourself. Then everything that a beloved person does is sanctified by your love, seen through the prism of your love. And explained as love. Otherwise, a small child can not survive. It turns out that nature insured us from parental dislike with the help of our "built-in" love for mothers and fathers. This is a well-known fact: they love even frankly terrible parents - drinkers, beaters. Love and miss them, come back to them.
In childhood, love does not make you mad with grief, if you are unlucky and your mother could not love you.And then it's time to find out what happened in your family: your mother did not like you.
For a psychologically immature person, this awareness can become a serious injury. Therefore, turning to a psychotherapist for help, feeling their vulnerability, people are instinctively afraid to "touch my mother." Until the moment when this knowledge can be let into your soul and not crumble into dust from pain, you still need to live, grow a little. Anyway, a person somehow copes with this difficult knowledge. And it goes on.
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LOVE IN YOURSELF
What happens next is this: you say goodbye to the hope that someday in your relationship with your mother something will change and she will learn to love you the way you needed when you were very young. At this time, usually you yourself appear, such or almost the same as they would have been from the very beginning, if your mother looked at you with a loving look. Strength and self-confidence becomes more, the world seems kinder, life somehow starts to get along.
And then one more thing is discovered: that your mother long ago - and, maybe, from the very beginning of your life together with her - is younger than you. What she, for example, two years. Or three.Sometimes six or eight. And from now on, you understand everything about her. You understand that a small child cannot be a good parent. And you understand that she most likely sincerely thought (and it seems so far) that she loves you more than anything else. And she tried her best to give you everything she could, the way she knew how. This, of course, was not a real maternal love. But for some reason from the thought that after all, after all she tried as best she could, it becomes a little easier.
And then you already live like this, grow your mother inside yourself, that is, learn to love and accept yourself. Since no one has yet done this.
And then, after some time, some minor, unimportant event happens. Well, for example, you see a woman at the end of the day, in the winter twilight. She quickly walks ahead in her well-tailored coat with a fur collar, in her hat ... And for some reason - in the first second it is not even clear what is happening - for some reason you instantly feel the soft heat inside and automatically switch to a light trot, trying catch up with that woman. And a second later, realize what happened.
This strange woman on the street for a few short but capacious minutes brought you to childhood.And there you are eight years old, you go from school, you see ahead of the going mother and you understand: she left work earlier today, which means that you will be dining together. From this you feel joy and this is warm in the soul.
And then you realize that everything is clear with Mama's love. It is not - as you need then. No and never will be. And you understand that you are very sympathetic to mom. How do you sympathize with any person who is deprived of - some nature, by nature or circumstances? How to sympathize with the blind. Or deaf. Or legless. A man who can not and could not love his children, also causes sympathy. And then you realize that with your love for her nothing happened. She is alive, and it is from her warm inside. And you can feel it, be aware of it. And together with this, understand that you will never again fight in the closed doors of my mother's (or any other) heart. The fact that love is in your soul is enough.
At this moment, life as it makes a circle and comes back to where it began: to love. Actually, this is all we need from psychotherapy and life in general.